1 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Fortysomething - 1x02 Transcript by wizyw (wizyw422@gmail.com) 2 00:00:41,057 --> 00:00:43,304 This is Paul Slippery. 3 00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:57,463 He can't remember when he last had sex. 4 00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:18,741 Today he's going to do something about this. 5 00:01:24,682 --> 00:01:26,231 Isn't it a lovely day? 6 00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:30,177 Where are you? 7 00:01:34,544 --> 00:01:38,845 Really though. Doesn't it just make you want to... you know... 8 00:01:39,288 --> 00:01:42,503 I mean... I've got the whole day off and... 9 00:01:43,302 --> 00:01:46,786 I just feel like... getting down to some... 10 00:01:55,502 --> 00:01:57,222 - You're dressed! - Yeah. 11 00:01:58,537 --> 00:02:00,805 That must be the world record for getting dressed. 12 00:02:01,125 --> 00:02:02,189 I'm late for work. 13 00:02:03,137 --> 00:02:06,066 Also you looked as though you were up for it. 14 00:02:09,995 --> 00:02:11,539 You know, it's extraordinary... 15 00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:15,159 I sometimes think that men and women move at completely different speeds. 16 00:02:15,532 --> 00:02:18,429 I wander around all sort of wrapped in my own little world, 17 00:02:19,361 --> 00:02:21,453 meanwhile you've probably made an omelette or something. 18 00:02:29,361 --> 00:02:31,129 - Estelle! - What? 19 00:02:31,557 --> 00:02:32,548 Can we just...? 20 00:02:32,765 --> 00:02:34,884 Just what? Have sex in the street? 21 00:02:35,992 --> 00:02:38,409 - I'll be right down! - No, Rory and I've got to go to work. 22 00:02:38,627 --> 00:02:41,312 We have to talk about... food! 23 00:02:45,085 --> 00:02:47,173 Maybe she is in a different time-space continuum. 24 00:02:47,498 --> 00:02:49,980 Maybe she's already in her office drinking coffee. 25 00:02:52,375 --> 00:02:54,387 Now, you see that's weird because you're both outside the door. 26 00:02:54,627 --> 00:02:56,310 It's not the only thing that's weird around here. 27 00:02:56,650 --> 00:02:58,845 I forgot my car radio and he forgot his wooly hat. 28 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:00,639 Wooly hat? 29 00:03:00,886 --> 00:03:03,969 Yeah, you need a wooly hat when you work with homeless people. 30 00:03:04,188 --> 00:03:05,226 Helps you to blend in. 31 00:03:05,439 --> 00:03:08,112 And you need a car radio when you work in...? 32 00:03:08,261 --> 00:03:09,874 - Haven't got a clue, have you? - I have! 33 00:03:10,242 --> 00:03:13,064 - I know that Rory works for a charity called... - Side Street. 34 00:03:13,768 --> 00:03:14,832 I knew that. 35 00:03:21,489 --> 00:03:23,209 Paul, for God's sake! 36 00:03:25,861 --> 00:03:27,304 Do you fancy staying in tonight? 37 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:28,769 I could cook. 38 00:03:29,004 --> 00:03:30,158 I could do... 39 00:03:30,483 --> 00:03:32,678 I could do wood-roasted ptarmigan. 40 00:03:33,141 --> 00:03:34,599 Do we have any wood? 41 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,155 Estelle! Estelle! 42 00:03:46,490 --> 00:03:47,704 Estelle! 43 00:03:49,488 --> 00:03:51,091 Estelle! 44 00:03:51,115 --> 00:03:53,450 Hello! This is your husband! 45 00:03:53,753 --> 00:03:55,394 Can we have dinner? 46 00:04:03,876 --> 00:04:05,090 Busty! 47 00:04:05,863 --> 00:04:08,584 Here, Busty! Here! Give it here, Busty! 48 00:04:08,807 --> 00:04:11,054 Give me Paul's towel at once, Busty! 49 00:04:11,203 --> 00:04:12,342 At once, do you hear? 50 00:04:12,491 --> 00:04:16,906 I'll ask you just one more time and then I will become really angry! 51 00:04:18,338 --> 00:04:20,196 - I'm so sorry. - Not a problem. 52 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:21,942 He's only 9 months, you see. 53 00:04:23,907 --> 00:04:26,133 Could I borrow your newspaper? 54 00:04:27,693 --> 00:04:28,902 It's today's. 55 00:04:30,717 --> 00:04:31,857 Fair enough. 56 00:04:34,615 --> 00:04:35,909 Busty! 57 00:04:52,384 --> 00:04:54,727 Stay away, I am naked! I'm completely naked! 58 00:04:54,908 --> 00:04:55,952 He's naked! 59 00:04:56,138 --> 00:04:58,240 - It's okay! - It's okay that I'm naked. 60 00:05:02,832 --> 00:05:04,962 It's all right, I am no longer naked! 61 00:05:05,197 --> 00:05:07,474 I am no longer naked! 62 00:05:10,099 --> 00:05:12,186 Okay, I have trousers. 63 00:05:12,798 --> 00:05:15,280 - She's still in there? - Yep. 64 00:05:16,046 --> 00:05:17,553 She's always in there. 65 00:05:18,224 --> 00:05:21,238 Paul, she lives here now. With Dan? 66 00:05:21,525 --> 00:05:24,741 You have to wear clothes all of the time! 67 00:05:25,065 --> 00:05:26,339 It's not safe. 68 00:05:27,510 --> 00:05:28,745 Why aren't you at school? 69 00:05:29,177 --> 00:05:31,285 Waiting for the post, I'm expecting a parcel. 70 00:05:34,454 --> 00:05:37,004 No, it's all right, I have trousers. 71 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,804 I have trousers. 72 00:05:41,088 --> 00:05:43,521 Do I really spend too much time in the bathroom? 73 00:05:44,229 --> 00:05:45,694 Not at all. 74 00:05:46,882 --> 00:05:49,592 - Thanks. - You're welcome. 75 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,999 What is that? Is that drugs? 76 00:06:17,249 --> 00:06:18,101 No. 77 00:06:18,241 --> 00:06:19,879 It's drugs, isn't it? You've been sent drugs! 78 00:06:20,056 --> 00:06:22,484 No, father. Wish I had. 79 00:06:22,690 --> 00:06:25,315 I have to go out and buy them like everyone else. 80 00:06:25,561 --> 00:06:26,999 - Why aren't you at school? - Study day. 81 00:06:27,909 --> 00:06:30,705 We're supposed to do some stupid documentary about seals. 82 00:06:30,865 --> 00:06:31,865 What are you doing tonight? 83 00:06:32,670 --> 00:06:34,255 What are you doing tonight? 84 00:06:34,463 --> 00:06:36,834 I shall be cooking an intimate supper for your mum and me. 85 00:06:37,051 --> 00:06:39,372 So perhaps you care to go and dine with your drug dealer. 86 00:06:39,975 --> 00:06:41,933 No, that's disgusting! 87 00:06:42,141 --> 00:06:45,017 - You're gonna have sex with my mum! - This is gross! 88 00:06:45,268 --> 00:06:47,732 "The Big Book of Erotic Food." 89 00:06:47,977 --> 00:06:52,146 What kind of tragic pervert needs to buy a book like this? 90 00:07:07,348 --> 00:07:08,738 I've got a message from dad. 91 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,099 He wants to know what I'm doing this evening. 92 00:07:13,184 --> 00:07:15,256 He's going on about cooking you a quiet dinner. 93 00:07:15,416 --> 00:07:18,180 - What on earth does he want? - I've got a good idea what he might want. 94 00:07:24,096 --> 00:07:25,443 Good luck, darling. 95 00:07:25,927 --> 00:07:28,723 - The first day is always the worst. - Thanks, mum. 96 00:07:29,355 --> 00:07:31,283 I'm thinking about the first time I took you to school 97 00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,047 you were bawling your head off the whole way there. 98 00:07:34,605 --> 00:07:36,154 - You were only... - Mum. 99 00:07:37,358 --> 00:07:38,686 I'll be okay. 100 00:07:39,873 --> 00:07:41,895 Are you all right about Dan and Laura? 101 00:07:43,556 --> 00:07:46,208 Yeah, I just don't think Laura and I are really right for each other. 102 00:07:46,762 --> 00:07:48,662 Laura and Dan aren't right for each other. 103 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:50,201 Dan's right for Laura. 104 00:07:50,435 --> 00:07:54,508 And Amy, and Helena, and Sarah Jane and Rebecca Froley... 105 00:07:55,249 --> 00:07:58,052 - He was sick on Joe Plately's wife! - Carol-Anne! 106 00:08:01,476 --> 00:08:03,478 You're just too nice for this world, Rory. 107 00:08:19,159 --> 00:08:21,328 - Hello? - Paul? Surinder. 108 00:08:21,594 --> 00:08:24,111 Look, I know it's your day off, but Pilfrey hasn't turned up. 109 00:08:24,351 --> 00:08:27,434 - So if you wouldn't mind coming in...? - Course I wouldn't mind. 110 00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:29,262 But listen, Surinder. 111 00:08:29,612 --> 00:08:31,326 I do have to be away by the end of the morning. 112 00:08:32,117 --> 00:08:34,437 I'm cooking a special dinner for Estelle, just the two of us. 113 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,498 Listen, I've been thinking really hard about this. 114 00:08:37,871 --> 00:08:41,618 There are some people who have sex three times a week, 115 00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,431 and they feel pretty chaffed about it. 116 00:08:43,637 --> 00:08:45,693 Then there are some people who have it once a month, 117 00:08:45,884 --> 00:08:47,578 and they feel slightly less chaffed about it. 118 00:08:47,748 --> 00:08:48,840 And there are some people 119 00:08:49,059 --> 00:08:50,683 who only have sex once every six months, 120 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,311 and they feel really quite down about it. 121 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:55,697 But you know, Surinder, maybe I only have sex once a year. 122 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:57,513 Then why do you sound so cheerful about it? 123 00:08:57,982 --> 00:08:59,932 Because tonight's the night. 124 00:09:04,082 --> 00:09:04,795 Hi, Lisa. 125 00:09:07,193 --> 00:09:08,933 Hello, gorgeous! 126 00:09:09,770 --> 00:09:12,400 - Have I gone too far? - No, not at all. 127 00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:16,186 We have our first customer of the day. 128 00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:20,914 I spoke to him and it turns out he very much wants to talk to you. 129 00:09:24,503 --> 00:09:25,605 Jesus! 130 00:09:26,015 --> 00:09:27,402 That's my husband's partner. 131 00:09:27,690 --> 00:09:29,758 I rather gathered Paul was straight. 132 00:09:30,055 --> 00:09:32,087 Ronnie Pilfrey, dr. Ronnie Pilfrey! 133 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,697 He's the most disgusting little creep I've ever met in my life. 134 00:09:34,890 --> 00:09:36,141 He's all yours, then. 135 00:09:41,253 --> 00:09:42,830 Daniel, I know you're in there. 136 00:09:43,131 --> 00:09:44,751 And I know that Laura's in there with you, 137 00:09:44,879 --> 00:09:46,910 and that's fine, that's completely your affair. 138 00:09:47,068 --> 00:09:49,065 I just... you know... 139 00:09:50,192 --> 00:09:52,000 Shouldn't we think about Rory for a moment? 140 00:09:52,909 --> 00:09:53,911 Hold on. 141 00:09:56,613 --> 00:09:57,969 Although it will probably be for you. 142 00:09:58,627 --> 00:10:00,161 No one calls for me these days. 143 00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:03,214 All I seem to do is answer the door for young women in short skirts 144 00:10:03,351 --> 00:10:06,403 who flash their bellybuttons at me and they're completely... 145 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,521 Lovely. 146 00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:21,225 Just checking. How can I help? 147 00:10:21,464 --> 00:10:24,024 You must be Paul? Dan's dad? 148 00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:28,544 I'm Dan's girlfriend, Lucy? Laura's sister? 149 00:10:29,248 --> 00:10:32,514 I've been in Thailand for like a year but I'm back? 150 00:10:33,222 --> 00:10:34,907 He said I could stay over? 151 00:10:35,248 --> 00:10:38,238 - Did he, bejabbers? - You're just as he described you. 152 00:10:41,512 --> 00:10:43,105 Well, do come in. 153 00:10:47,097 --> 00:10:49,917 Here, let me... Let me take that off you. 154 00:10:55,699 --> 00:10:58,931 - So how did he describe me? - Oh, in detail. 155 00:11:00,454 --> 00:11:02,414 So where is my lovely Dan? 156 00:11:02,801 --> 00:11:03,886 He went out. 157 00:11:05,288 --> 00:11:06,687 And then he came back. 158 00:11:07,561 --> 00:11:08,626 Edwin! 159 00:11:09,006 --> 00:11:09,910 Edwin! 160 00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:13,902 Right, well... What about a cup of tea? 161 00:11:14,616 --> 00:11:16,971 No, I think I'll just go straight up. 162 00:11:17,129 --> 00:11:19,048 No, you don't wanna do that. Edwin! 163 00:11:20,275 --> 00:11:24,222 Hi. Edwin, this is Lucy, Daniel's girlfriend, Laura's sister. 164 00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:26,300 She's just back from Thailand, she's here to see Daniel, 165 00:11:26,956 --> 00:11:28,120 who is, as we speak, 166 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,671 - in bed with... - Flu. 167 00:11:29,707 --> 00:11:32,184 - Right! Right, which... - You don't wanna catch. 168 00:11:32,306 --> 00:11:34,595 No, you don't. I'm a doctor. Did Daniel tell you that? 169 00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:37,769 - Poor Dan! - He's listless. 170 00:11:37,886 --> 00:11:39,862 - Completely listless. - He is! 171 00:11:39,984 --> 00:11:42,519 It's like another spirit's come down and invaded his body. 172 00:11:42,678 --> 00:11:45,005 Edwin? Wanna come and give me a hand? 173 00:11:47,613 --> 00:11:50,791 Would I like catch it if I just stood by the door? 174 00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:52,507 No idea. 175 00:11:53,348 --> 00:11:54,658 But you're a doctor? 176 00:11:54,855 --> 00:11:57,463 Yes, I am a doctor, yes. But you know we doctors, 177 00:11:57,729 --> 00:12:01,264 we make a big show of competence as far as diseases concerned. 178 00:12:01,504 --> 00:12:02,963 Yeah, Daniel said. 179 00:12:03,565 --> 00:12:04,848 Did he really? 180 00:12:07,401 --> 00:12:09,014 Get that Laura out of his room! 181 00:12:09,802 --> 00:12:11,905 What do you think he's doing with all those... women? 182 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:16,047 - Boy's sex-mad! - Can't see where he gets that from. 183 00:12:16,218 --> 00:12:20,272 Give me a sign, hit me baby one more time! 184 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:21,843 Oh my God, is that Laura? 185 00:12:22,812 --> 00:12:24,420 Yes, it is. It is your sister. 186 00:12:25,239 --> 00:12:26,607 Who, as you probably know, is staying here, 187 00:12:26,863 --> 00:12:28,866 - because she's going out with... - Rory. 188 00:12:29,164 --> 00:12:31,783 She's probably in his room, right now. 189 00:12:31,927 --> 00:12:34,850 Indeed. In fact, Edwin, why don't you go and tell her that her sister 190 00:12:35,095 --> 00:12:37,247 - is on the premises? - Why don't I? 191 00:12:41,322 --> 00:12:44,432 So which is better, at the north or the south of Thailand? 192 00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:48,125 Hey! Rory's bedroom, now. 193 00:12:48,327 --> 00:12:50,218 - What? - You've gotta go to Rory's bedroom, now! 194 00:12:50,335 --> 00:12:51,740 - Why? - Because you're living with him! 195 00:12:51,851 --> 00:12:53,145 Wait. 196 00:12:56,027 --> 00:12:57,024 Come on! 197 00:13:03,671 --> 00:13:05,152 - Edwin, what's going on? - Move it! 198 00:13:06,531 --> 00:13:09,135 - Laura! - Lucy! 199 00:13:10,849 --> 00:13:11,808 Hey! 200 00:13:18,747 --> 00:13:21,602 - You look fantastic. - Yeah, you too. 201 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:24,886 Oh my God! How's Rory? 202 00:13:26,584 --> 00:13:30,729 Right, yeah. See, Laura, we've just been downstairs telling Luce 203 00:13:30,884 --> 00:13:34,388 - how you've been living here with... - Rory. 204 00:13:34,719 --> 00:13:35,602 Right. 205 00:13:35,793 --> 00:13:38,493 And now we've found you on your way to his room which is just here. 206 00:13:40,155 --> 00:13:41,353 How was Thailand? 207 00:13:41,523 --> 00:13:43,014 Great, great. 208 00:13:43,169 --> 00:13:45,948 Oh, and poor Dan has flu. 209 00:13:46,124 --> 00:13:47,236 Does he? 210 00:13:47,838 --> 00:13:50,080 See? She doesn't even know that Dan's got flu. 211 00:13:50,341 --> 00:13:52,699 That's how little she has to do with him because she's going out with Rory, 212 00:13:52,885 --> 00:13:55,346 so obviously she tends to stick with Rory. 213 00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:58,552 And Daniel's room would be... 214 00:14:00,835 --> 00:14:02,231 I'll tell him you're here. 215 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:08,583 Daniel! 216 00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:11,022 Look who it is! 217 00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:15,482 Oh my goodness, what's that doing here, Daniel? 218 00:14:15,632 --> 00:14:18,214 That's... that's my wife's. Nightdress. 219 00:14:18,385 --> 00:14:20,324 So it's Lucy, remember Lucy? 220 00:14:20,636 --> 00:14:24,183 Of course! Hi, Luce! How was Thailand? 221 00:14:26,344 --> 00:14:29,093 What's Laura's teddy doing on your bed? 222 00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:32,318 I put that there. 223 00:14:32,985 --> 00:14:34,838 So Dan, did you know that Lucy was coming? 224 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:38,752 Did you tell Daniel you were coming or you wanted to be a surprise? 225 00:14:39,476 --> 00:14:42,447 So how you're feeling then? Cause you look fine. 226 00:14:43,357 --> 00:14:45,635 - I don't know... - I am fine! 227 00:14:51,313 --> 00:14:53,799 Well, well, well. 228 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,521 And Laura's fine too, is she? 229 00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,858 Is Laura fine too? 230 00:15:00,087 --> 00:15:02,989 Is that why you keep mentioning her in your emails? 231 00:15:03,149 --> 00:15:05,568 Really? What does he say? 232 00:15:06,264 --> 00:15:09,541 He's always going on about how beautiful your skin is. 233 00:15:11,719 --> 00:15:13,204 Well, Edwin... 234 00:15:13,534 --> 00:15:15,804 I think we might leave these three together, don't you? 235 00:15:16,102 --> 00:15:18,642 - Yeah, I think I might go to school, man. - Yeah, me too. 236 00:15:18,827 --> 00:15:20,420 No, stick around! 237 00:15:20,558 --> 00:15:24,137 That's fine, we'll... leave you alone with your two friends 238 00:15:24,318 --> 00:15:26,954 and you can have a long chat about things in general. 239 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,208 Are you Rory? 240 00:15:47,985 --> 00:15:50,019 - Hi. - Hi. Welcome to Side Street! 241 00:15:50,834 --> 00:15:52,900 This is Bolt. Alec. 242 00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:54,258 This is Raz. 243 00:15:55,070 --> 00:15:56,861 Maz. Chaz. 244 00:15:57,159 --> 00:16:00,988 And Paz, hiding in the back there. 245 00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,651 Are they all... homeless? 246 00:16:06,018 --> 00:16:08,185 No, they all work here. 247 00:16:08,861 --> 00:16:11,215 It's their job to actually go out and find young homeless people 248 00:16:11,358 --> 00:16:12,839 and bring them back into the centre. 249 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,262 Have they found any? 250 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,237 Yeah. Me. 251 00:16:18,249 --> 00:16:19,203 I'm Kevin. 252 00:16:20,524 --> 00:16:21,322 Hi. 253 00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:30,297 Are those for Number 17? 254 00:16:30,703 --> 00:16:31,949 Edwin Slippery. 255 00:16:33,247 --> 00:16:34,030 Yes. 256 00:16:34,205 --> 00:16:36,277 This one got damaged in transit, I'm afraid. 257 00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,477 Wow, that's pretty bad, isn't it? 258 00:16:39,897 --> 00:16:42,522 There could be delicate things in here. 259 00:16:46,886 --> 00:16:49,107 Yes, these aren't actually for me. 260 00:16:49,362 --> 00:16:50,832 Edwin Slippery. 261 00:16:51,572 --> 00:16:53,409 Yeah, I'm not Edwin Slippery. 262 00:16:54,074 --> 00:16:56,864 He's my son, you see, I just wanted to see what was in this parcel. 263 00:16:57,242 --> 00:16:58,627 Thought it might be drugs. 264 00:16:59,415 --> 00:17:02,850 But it isn't! Which is obviously... a relief. 265 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,369 Sign here, please. 266 00:17:09,776 --> 00:17:10,611 Thank you. 267 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,689 Penis enlargement cream, anyone? 268 00:17:26,373 --> 00:17:27,305 Okay. 269 00:17:28,737 --> 00:17:30,228 I'm shagging her. 270 00:17:30,899 --> 00:17:32,075 Let's talk about it. 271 00:17:32,256 --> 00:17:33,699 Is there much to talk about? 272 00:17:34,114 --> 00:17:35,765 Do you think I might learn something? 273 00:17:41,578 --> 00:17:42,419 Bitch! 274 00:17:49,782 --> 00:17:52,530 We specialise in medical placements, as you know. 275 00:17:52,711 --> 00:17:55,724 That was one of the reasons I approached this particular agency 276 00:17:55,863 --> 00:17:57,151 to handle my talent. 277 00:17:57,860 --> 00:17:58,941 The other was... 278 00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:00,576 ...you. 279 00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,562 Paul let it slip that you worked here, and I thought, you know... 280 00:18:04,105 --> 00:18:05,335 Hey, hey, hey. 281 00:18:05,942 --> 00:18:06,986 Hey, hey, hey. 282 00:18:08,499 --> 00:18:10,032 Paul must be very threatened by your job. 283 00:18:10,213 --> 00:18:13,163 - Do you think? - One attractive woman like you, 284 00:18:13,296 --> 00:18:14,584 out in the world, 285 00:18:14,946 --> 00:18:18,359 full of other very sexually attractive men, 286 00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:20,660 eyeing you up. 287 00:18:21,272 --> 00:18:24,250 Making risky propositions, like... 288 00:18:25,650 --> 00:18:27,093 What are you doing for lunch? 289 00:18:29,223 --> 00:18:31,491 I usually have a sandwich in the office. 290 00:18:31,645 --> 00:18:33,078 Is a sandwich in the office enough 291 00:18:33,653 --> 00:18:36,118 for a beautiful and dynamic woman like you? 292 00:18:38,179 --> 00:18:39,861 I have an apple sometimes. 293 00:18:40,506 --> 00:18:42,918 Would you excuse me for one moment? 294 00:18:50,628 --> 00:18:52,141 He's coming on to me, what do I do? 295 00:18:52,306 --> 00:18:55,037 Say you're gay. That's what I used to do. 296 00:18:55,186 --> 00:18:57,758 - But you are gay. - So I am! 297 00:18:57,992 --> 00:19:00,894 - You could be gay. - Do you think? 298 00:19:01,097 --> 00:19:02,741 Be nice to him. 299 00:19:02,961 --> 00:19:08,237 Ducane Pharmaceuticals are prepared to pay a fortune for the little rat. 300 00:19:21,038 --> 00:19:22,092 What's this? 301 00:19:22,503 --> 00:19:23,504 I'll tell you what this is. 302 00:19:23,658 --> 00:19:26,949 My youngest son's just ordered this from a sex supermarket in Wolverhampton 303 00:19:27,098 --> 00:19:29,275 where I intend to return forthwith. 304 00:19:29,622 --> 00:19:31,970 What's the matter with this country? Young man pays good money 305 00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:34,158 for some honest pornography and what he gets is: 306 00:19:34,414 --> 00:19:37,214 "The Science of Loving", by dr. Christian den Haag. 307 00:19:37,561 --> 00:19:40,340 I ask you, who wants to hear a doctor banging on about sex? 308 00:19:40,505 --> 00:19:41,841 Try me. 309 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:44,975 Oh my God! 310 00:19:46,014 --> 00:19:47,216 Paul? 311 00:19:48,241 --> 00:19:50,270 - It's Proek! - Who's Proek? 312 00:19:50,424 --> 00:19:53,146 Proek is the father of both of Dan's girlfriends. 313 00:19:53,305 --> 00:19:55,089 I cannot see him, Surinder. You'll have to see him. 314 00:19:58,523 --> 00:20:00,398 - My name is Proek. - Eh? 315 00:20:00,883 --> 00:20:03,965 Mr. Proek? P-R-O-E-K. 316 00:20:04,455 --> 00:20:05,774 And which doctor you're down to see? 317 00:20:05,917 --> 00:20:07,147 Dr. Pilfrey. 318 00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:15,206 Dr. Pilfrey usually comes up behind me and sort of lays his hands on me. 319 00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:18,395 Sometimes he lays his hands on my tummy. 320 00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:21,292 And sometimes he lays his hands on my thighs. 321 00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:24,768 And sometimes he lays his hands on my... 322 00:20:24,907 --> 00:20:27,021 Yes. What exactly is your complaint? 323 00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:30,104 My complaint is that dr. Pilfrey is not here. 324 00:20:30,839 --> 00:20:33,038 And I want him to lay his hands on me. 325 00:20:33,387 --> 00:20:34,394 Right. 326 00:20:37,199 --> 00:20:39,265 Are you making a note of my symptoms? 327 00:20:41,209 --> 00:20:42,545 Not exactly, no. 328 00:20:42,881 --> 00:20:44,409 You haven't told me what they are yet. 329 00:20:44,692 --> 00:20:45,575 No, this just says: 330 00:20:45,741 --> 00:20:47,934 ricotta cheese, smoked eel and hard-boiled egg. 331 00:20:49,371 --> 00:20:50,559 What are your symptoms? 332 00:20:51,294 --> 00:20:57,962 I feel this overwhelming sense of impending doom. 333 00:20:58,222 --> 00:21:00,990 Dr. Pilfrey usually gives me dreptomycil. 334 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:04,044 He gave me dreptomycil when I had this scaley-thing on my arm 335 00:21:04,578 --> 00:21:06,761 and my hair went all strange. 336 00:21:07,282 --> 00:21:08,471 It's free. 337 00:21:09,039 --> 00:21:10,333 Right. 338 00:21:11,036 --> 00:21:15,120 Well, if dr. Pilfrey gave you dreptomycil, then dreptomysil you shall have. 339 00:21:15,605 --> 00:21:17,341 Have lots and lots and lots of dreptomycil. 340 00:21:17,858 --> 00:21:20,370 Although before we go cheerfully prescribe you any, 341 00:21:20,557 --> 00:21:22,335 we probably ought to find out what the drug is. 342 00:21:22,496 --> 00:21:23,970 Dr. Pilfrey swears by it. 343 00:21:24,934 --> 00:21:26,147 Does he? 344 00:21:27,533 --> 00:21:31,539 Dr. Pilfrey put me on dreptomycil for depression. 345 00:21:31,736 --> 00:21:34,127 Genital warts. He gives me dreptomycil. 346 00:21:34,409 --> 00:21:37,785 Dr. Pilfrey gave it to me. Dipto-something... 347 00:21:37,928 --> 00:21:39,941 - Dreptomycil? - That's the one! 348 00:21:41,182 --> 00:21:42,364 If it's not in Featherwells, 349 00:21:42,514 --> 00:21:44,765 that means it's only come on the market in the last six months. 350 00:21:46,038 --> 00:21:48,146 Unless it's a drug Pilfrey's testing. 351 00:21:48,461 --> 00:21:50,170 He's dishing them out like Smarties! 352 00:21:50,356 --> 00:21:51,821 Pilfrey's a competent doctor, Paul. 353 00:21:52,023 --> 00:21:54,179 Well, reasonably competent. 354 00:21:54,755 --> 00:21:56,671 Mr. Proek, please. Room 3. Mr. Proek! 355 00:21:56,821 --> 00:21:59,180 Surinder, have you gone mad? I said no Proek! 356 00:22:03,859 --> 00:22:04,860 I'm not here. 357 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,612 Hello there, Mr. Proek. Do take a seat. 358 00:22:08,863 --> 00:22:11,843 Take a seat? I've not taken a seat for three days! 359 00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:14,288 What's the problem, Mr. Proek? 360 00:22:14,623 --> 00:22:16,944 - I need a man. - Don't we all? 361 00:22:17,541 --> 00:22:20,208 I need to see a male doctor. 362 00:22:21,252 --> 00:22:23,595 I have a very intimate complaint. 363 00:22:23,905 --> 00:22:27,242 I quite understand, I'll try and find you a male doctor. 364 00:22:29,730 --> 00:22:31,876 Surinder, I cannot see this man! 365 00:22:32,014 --> 00:22:33,185 Paul, you can't just... 366 00:22:33,824 --> 00:22:35,886 It is to do with my bottom. 367 00:22:38,241 --> 00:22:40,739 My son is shagging both his daughters! 368 00:22:40,973 --> 00:22:44,583 I need to see a male doctor, urgently! 369 00:22:47,145 --> 00:22:50,766 All right. Give him my mobile number, but don't tell him my name! 370 00:22:53,317 --> 00:22:54,798 Right, I'm going shopping. 371 00:22:56,064 --> 00:22:57,664 The great thing about dreptomycil 372 00:22:57,797 --> 00:23:00,092 is that we use it for such a wide variety of complaints. 373 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,456 We found it has a very good effect on headaches, 374 00:23:02,573 --> 00:23:06,828 and a woman not sure why uses it as a cream on warts, 375 00:23:07,057 --> 00:23:09,479 athlete's foot, and certain kinds of scrofula. 376 00:23:10,156 --> 00:23:12,546 As a spray it has a remarkable effect! 377 00:23:12,781 --> 00:23:15,011 I'm using it to manage some kind of psychiatric disorders, 378 00:23:15,145 --> 00:23:16,433 such as schizophrenia. 379 00:23:16,582 --> 00:23:18,733 And I'm pretty sure it helps you to go to sleep, as well. 380 00:23:18,861 --> 00:23:19,995 If you take enough of it. 381 00:23:22,328 --> 00:23:23,541 That's enough about me. 382 00:23:24,745 --> 00:23:25,900 What about you? 383 00:23:26,891 --> 00:23:27,748 Me? 384 00:23:28,558 --> 00:23:29,868 How are you and Paul? 385 00:23:30,384 --> 00:23:31,678 Is he coping? 386 00:23:32,759 --> 00:23:36,146 Would he be threatened if he knew that you and I were face to face 387 00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:39,063 with our knees touching under the table? 388 00:23:41,714 --> 00:23:42,769 They're not. 389 00:23:49,745 --> 00:23:52,530 Isn't Paul going through a midlife crisis of some kind at the moment? 390 00:23:53,685 --> 00:23:57,653 And would our intimate lunch further undermine his masculinity 391 00:23:57,791 --> 00:24:00,592 in terms of the fact that --- and I speak here as a collegue, 392 00:24:00,757 --> 00:24:05,852 who, though not a close friend, does keep his ear to the ground... 393 00:24:06,763 --> 00:24:07,875 and to the door. 394 00:24:08,131 --> 00:24:12,242 Well, as it were, you know, without obviously eavesdropping as such --- 395 00:24:12,642 --> 00:24:18,565 the fact that he can't remember when he last had sex. 396 00:24:19,966 --> 00:24:21,638 Yes, he's working on that. 397 00:24:29,503 --> 00:24:30,780 Hallo? 398 00:24:31,532 --> 00:24:36,865 This is dr. Christian den Haag speaking. How may I help? 399 00:24:37,137 --> 00:24:40,534 Dr. den Haag, my name is Proek. 400 00:24:40,699 --> 00:24:44,767 I have a very intimate problem. 401 00:24:45,065 --> 00:24:46,013 Paul is losing control. 402 00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:49,735 As your wee once grow up and away from the nest he's losing control as the father. 403 00:24:50,060 --> 00:24:51,869 He's losing his status as a doctor! 404 00:24:52,008 --> 00:24:54,378 Mr. Proek, I have to tell you that we Dutch are 405 00:24:54,634 --> 00:24:58,566 naturally very calm and undisturbed by all the intimate problems 406 00:24:58,689 --> 00:25:00,590 that mother nature throws in our directions. 407 00:25:00,739 --> 00:25:01,756 But most importantly, 408 00:25:01,884 --> 00:25:04,610 he's losing his role as hunter, gatherer, 409 00:25:04,835 --> 00:25:08,513 as you go out into the world and take lunch with dynamic men like me! 410 00:25:08,636 --> 00:25:10,553 Dr. Pilfrey, will you please take your hand off mine? 411 00:25:10,671 --> 00:25:13,604 I'm not the sort of doctor who is liable to say... 412 00:25:14,131 --> 00:25:15,143 Jesus! 413 00:25:16,961 --> 00:25:17,871 Hello? 414 00:25:18,296 --> 00:25:20,347 You feel if Paul could see this he would get the wrong end of the stick 415 00:25:20,443 --> 00:25:22,972 and that frightens you! Because there's a right end of the stick! 416 00:25:23,090 --> 00:25:25,501 Dr. Pilfrey, whatever you might think about Paul, 417 00:25:25,618 --> 00:25:28,594 he's not a desperately jealous, insecure parody of a husband 418 00:25:28,716 --> 00:25:29,776 who follows his wife around! 419 00:25:30,431 --> 00:25:31,437 Pilfrey! 420 00:25:32,150 --> 00:25:34,371 Pilfrey, I will kill you, I swear it! 421 00:25:35,063 --> 00:25:38,507 Get out here and fight like a man you worm! 422 00:25:40,813 --> 00:25:42,672 Pilfrey! 423 00:25:44,853 --> 00:25:46,283 For God's sake, Paul, get a grip! 424 00:25:46,618 --> 00:25:49,574 - What are you doing here? - Will you just calm down? 425 00:25:49,850 --> 00:25:51,849 I'm sorry but this man is supposed to be in a surgery 426 00:25:52,008 --> 00:25:54,510 healing the sick, not swanning around in Italian restaurants 427 00:25:54,654 --> 00:25:55,788 buying lunch for my wife! 428 00:25:56,006 --> 00:25:59,098 Actually, I bought him lunch. Dr. Pilfrey's a client of ours. 429 00:25:59,273 --> 00:26:01,691 We're here to discuss my move to Ducane Pharmaceuticals 430 00:26:01,882 --> 00:26:03,576 to work on the dreptomycil account. 431 00:26:03,703 --> 00:26:05,993 And may I say Paul, if you had bothered to consult 432 00:26:06,180 --> 00:26:08,617 the practice diary before barging in here and making a scene, 433 00:26:08,815 --> 00:26:12,223 you would know I'm not in today! I'm not supposed to be in today! 434 00:26:12,350 --> 00:26:14,406 - Yes, you are. - No, I'm not! 435 00:26:14,597 --> 00:26:15,928 I know the timetables! 436 00:26:16,104 --> 00:26:18,036 In my laptop, it's on my palmtop, 437 00:26:18,154 --> 00:26:19,182 - it's in my brain! - Bollocks. 438 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,290 Paul. 439 00:26:22,831 --> 00:26:25,284 Look, I loathe the little creep even more than you do. 440 00:26:28,012 --> 00:26:29,379 But this is business. 441 00:26:29,789 --> 00:26:33,310 Darling, try and remember all those years when you were the only one working. 442 00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:36,100 And I supported you and I listened to all your troubles. 443 00:26:37,436 --> 00:26:40,111 All I'm asking is for you to do the same for me right now. 444 00:26:40,803 --> 00:26:42,085 Please. 445 00:26:44,796 --> 00:26:46,569 Do you think we'll have sex tonight? 446 00:26:49,902 --> 00:26:50,940 It is possible. 447 00:26:51,530 --> 00:26:53,368 And if we do, will I remember it? 448 00:26:54,034 --> 00:26:56,535 I shall endevour to make it really, really memorable. 449 00:26:57,325 --> 00:26:58,533 All right, I'll see you later. 450 00:26:59,177 --> 00:27:00,402 And remember, I'm cooking tonight. 451 00:27:13,185 --> 00:27:15,267 Hello, this is Dr. Christian den Haag. 452 00:27:15,421 --> 00:27:18,796 I'm afraid that I am perhaps abroad or away from my desk at the moment. 453 00:27:18,961 --> 00:27:22,012 Please leave a sexy message after the beep and I'll call you back. 454 00:27:22,258 --> 00:27:25,282 "Hasta la vista", as we say in Amsterdam. 455 00:27:33,589 --> 00:27:35,134 Are you in despair? 456 00:27:36,901 --> 00:27:37,764 No. 457 00:27:37,934 --> 00:27:40,553 I was feeling a bit weird that I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. 458 00:27:41,948 --> 00:27:43,158 Join the club. 459 00:27:44,393 --> 00:27:45,570 How long have you been here? 460 00:27:45,877 --> 00:27:47,002 Three months. 461 00:27:47,517 --> 00:27:49,142 You're not supposed to stay more than four weeks. 462 00:27:51,191 --> 00:27:53,298 You know I've got the feeling you and I have met somewhere before. 463 00:27:54,215 --> 00:27:57,521 You were at Cranwell School. I didn't like to say. 464 00:27:57,649 --> 00:27:58,751 Yes, I was. 465 00:27:58,884 --> 00:28:01,057 You're Slippery. You were in Macbeth. 466 00:28:01,477 --> 00:28:04,114 You're Kevin Marshall, you were Macbeth! 467 00:28:04,961 --> 00:28:06,379 You were really good. 468 00:28:07,683 --> 00:28:08,907 What happened? 469 00:28:09,333 --> 00:28:10,893 I got depressed. 470 00:28:11,202 --> 00:28:13,188 Still am depressed. 471 00:28:14,488 --> 00:28:16,281 This is the nearest I've got to being happy. 472 00:28:17,229 --> 00:28:18,625 But time's up. 473 00:28:19,195 --> 00:28:20,695 They say I've got to go. 474 00:28:26,009 --> 00:28:28,224 Hey, Luce. What are you doing? 475 00:28:29,262 --> 00:28:30,700 Calling dad. 476 00:28:31,365 --> 00:28:32,340 Oh, really? 477 00:28:33,101 --> 00:28:34,565 Do you think he should know about this? 478 00:28:34,885 --> 00:28:36,897 - Maybe we should talk, Luce. - Yeah, definitely. 479 00:28:37,025 --> 00:28:41,148 Please, as if I'm going to tell him anything about this. 480 00:28:41,276 --> 00:28:43,033 Cool. Well, you know, either way. 481 00:28:43,198 --> 00:28:44,613 - Do you want us to...? - Dad, hi! 482 00:28:44,790 --> 00:28:45,775 It's me! 483 00:28:46,201 --> 00:28:47,914 No, I just got in. 484 00:28:48,955 --> 00:28:50,168 No, I'm fine. 485 00:28:50,519 --> 00:28:51,819 How's mum? 486 00:28:53,512 --> 00:28:57,344 No, I've just popped in on Daniel and now I'm on my way home. 487 00:28:58,419 --> 00:29:00,596 Laura's been sleeping with Daniel! 488 00:29:01,018 --> 00:29:02,706 What?! 489 00:29:02,881 --> 00:29:05,188 Stay right where you are! Where are you? 490 00:29:05,938 --> 00:29:07,428 And he's there with you, is he? 491 00:29:07,972 --> 00:29:09,958 Now listen to me, Lucy, my sweet girl, 492 00:29:10,092 --> 00:29:12,088 I am a pest control operative. 493 00:29:13,036 --> 00:29:17,322 And I deal with people like Daniel Slippery for a living! 494 00:29:26,889 --> 00:29:29,083 - Hello, I'm wondering... - Just a moment, sir, I'm adjusting a crab. 495 00:29:29,381 --> 00:29:31,409 There, you see? Pinches overlapping. It's not rocket science. 496 00:29:31,724 --> 00:29:32,564 Off you go. 497 00:29:32,698 --> 00:29:34,386 Sorry for the hold-up, sir. How can I help you? 498 00:29:34,828 --> 00:29:36,249 I was wondering if you had any oysters. 499 00:29:36,367 --> 00:29:39,444 You're in luck, sir, it's all internet cafés around here at the moment. 500 00:29:39,668 --> 00:29:41,058 Don't know how they pay the rent. 501 00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:42,703 Right. 502 00:29:42,969 --> 00:29:46,157 Right, because I'm trying to make something called "Bivulva Burst" 503 00:29:46,375 --> 00:29:48,377 and apparently you need two dozen oysters 504 00:29:48,488 --> 00:29:49,436 and a pint of sherry. 505 00:29:50,559 --> 00:29:53,199 Are we talking about the "Big Book of Erotic Food" by any chance? 506 00:29:53,919 --> 00:29:54,776 Do you know it? 507 00:29:54,952 --> 00:29:56,549 Inside out, if you take my meaning. 508 00:29:57,220 --> 00:30:00,343 No, my brother-in-law submitted a recipe for the publishers. 509 00:30:00,562 --> 00:30:03,091 Pornographic, which we all enjoyed. 510 00:30:03,789 --> 00:30:06,142 But they said it had too much garlic for the average reader. 511 00:30:06,392 --> 00:30:09,039 So you have a special lady in mind, sir? 512 00:30:09,310 --> 00:30:10,317 My wife. 513 00:30:11,350 --> 00:30:12,808 As you wish, sir. 514 00:30:13,415 --> 00:30:14,922 No, it really is my wife. 515 00:30:15,065 --> 00:30:16,205 Please sir, I understand. 516 00:30:16,797 --> 00:30:19,400 No, it actually is my wife. 517 00:30:19,660 --> 00:30:22,904 Sir, I sell fish. I leave judging to others. 518 00:30:23,389 --> 00:30:26,379 Sea bream has a powerful aphrodisiac effect, they told me. 519 00:30:26,783 --> 00:30:29,783 And shark has enormous erotic potential in the right end. 520 00:30:29,991 --> 00:30:32,641 Can I interest you in some sharks for the... wife? 521 00:30:34,007 --> 00:30:35,198 Excuse me. 522 00:30:36,773 --> 00:30:38,780 Hello, this is Christan den Haag. 523 00:30:38,946 --> 00:30:40,947 - Hello. - Ah, Mr. Proek! 524 00:30:41,155 --> 00:30:42,737 I'm so glad you're calling again. 525 00:30:43,641 --> 00:30:46,833 I'm on my way to Wimbledon, there's something of a... 526 00:30:47,048 --> 00:30:48,656 family crisis at the moment. 527 00:30:48,885 --> 00:30:52,015 I don't think you should be going anywhere at the moment 528 00:30:52,180 --> 00:30:53,915 with your very bad, bad problem. 529 00:30:54,049 --> 00:30:55,163 Tell me about it! 530 00:30:55,397 --> 00:30:57,971 Would you like some water, sir? I could easily send one of the girls. 531 00:30:58,107 --> 00:31:01,285 I'm having a pain in a part of my body which is... 532 00:31:02,312 --> 00:31:05,431 ...rather difficult to mention in this environment. 533 00:31:06,209 --> 00:31:08,334 Speak freely, Mr. Proek. 534 00:31:10,856 --> 00:31:14,287 What is the opposite of top? 535 00:31:15,426 --> 00:31:17,241 The opposite of top? The opposite of top... 536 00:31:17,251 --> 00:31:18,784 What is the opposite of top? 537 00:31:19,146 --> 00:31:21,520 I believe you're groping for "bottom" there, sir. 538 00:31:21,697 --> 00:31:23,299 - Thank you. - Don't mention it. 539 00:31:23,655 --> 00:31:24,850 So just the oysters then. 540 00:31:25,750 --> 00:31:28,411 Yes, Mr. Proek, so you have a problem in your bottom, 541 00:31:28,550 --> 00:31:31,233 tell me whereabouts it is located this problem on your bottom. 542 00:31:31,522 --> 00:31:34,481 If I say "don't mention it", I mean do not mention it. Please. 543 00:31:35,467 --> 00:31:41,038 It is adjacent to my actual... rear opening. 544 00:31:41,714 --> 00:31:46,459 Good, so it's next to your rear opening on your bottom, Mr. Proek. 545 00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:48,031 Now I want you to do something. 546 00:31:48,180 --> 00:31:51,110 I want you to take a firm hold of your bottocks, 547 00:31:51,861 --> 00:31:54,807 - and reach into the cleft... - Right, that's it. 548 00:31:55,052 --> 00:31:57,344 ...and I want you to palpate this thing, 549 00:31:57,499 --> 00:32:00,407 I want you to give it a good hard squeeze. 550 00:32:06,865 --> 00:32:08,637 Kindly pay for your purchase and leave. 551 00:32:09,715 --> 00:32:11,276 Mr. Proek, I have to call you back. 552 00:32:11,734 --> 00:32:13,224 What, is there a problem? 553 00:32:13,406 --> 00:32:15,514 I can take a "bottom", I can even swallow "bottocks", 554 00:32:15,765 --> 00:32:17,649 but I draw the line at "cleft". 555 00:32:18,618 --> 00:32:19,725 Oh, I see. 556 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:24,496 So sniggering about adultery and sexual innuendo, that's all fine. 557 00:32:24,799 --> 00:32:27,451 But mentioning a part of the body that we all share, 558 00:32:27,605 --> 00:32:29,421 that can't be done in a polite society, is that right? 559 00:32:29,549 --> 00:32:30,869 What is the matter with this country? 560 00:32:31,300 --> 00:32:33,095 You've got a bottom, I've got a bottom, 561 00:32:33,281 --> 00:32:34,808 fish have got bottoms, sort of. 562 00:32:34,979 --> 00:32:37,110 Please sir, don't drag the fish into this. 563 00:32:37,289 --> 00:32:38,663 Into your ugly world. 564 00:32:38,953 --> 00:32:42,130 This country was built on fish, the great clouds of cod and whiting, 565 00:32:42,273 --> 00:32:45,570 the gurnard, the fork-bearded lamprey, the Whitstable eel, 566 00:32:45,767 --> 00:32:49,204 that has the tact to mate just once every three years, yes. 567 00:32:49,635 --> 00:32:52,409 With respect, sir, you know nothing of fish. 568 00:32:53,187 --> 00:32:55,931 I hope your erotic meal chokes you, sir, yes, 569 00:32:56,081 --> 00:32:58,194 you and the one for whom it's intended. 570 00:32:58,444 --> 00:33:01,243 For the record, I think you've got more chance of making it with a... 571 00:33:01,424 --> 00:33:03,858 with a thornbacked ray than with another human being 572 00:33:03,991 --> 00:33:05,507 this or any other evening. 573 00:33:06,296 --> 00:33:07,915 Yeah, fair point. 574 00:33:08,511 --> 00:33:09,560 Keep the change. 575 00:33:15,578 --> 00:33:17,015 Next, please! 576 00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:38,392 Look, I'm a person who takes relationships very seriously. 577 00:33:39,489 --> 00:33:42,508 I'm not just some callow, sexist... 578 00:33:43,546 --> 00:33:44,920 ...student. 579 00:33:45,367 --> 00:33:46,432 I'm Daniel Slippery! 580 00:33:50,042 --> 00:33:51,787 I wanna be here for both of you. 581 00:33:52,731 --> 00:33:53,874 And I'm not just into sex. 582 00:33:54,014 --> 00:33:56,255 Sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex. 583 00:33:56,415 --> 00:33:57,623 You may well talk about sex. 584 00:33:57,853 --> 00:33:59,451 While you're all gonna be lounging around in here, 585 00:33:59,588 --> 00:34:01,341 a man has left here three dozen inflatable women 586 00:34:01,479 --> 00:34:03,746 and a year's supply of penis enlargement cream, 587 00:34:03,890 --> 00:34:06,138 which I've been forced to carry around in the back of my car. 588 00:34:06,276 --> 00:34:07,885 Edwin, can you deal with this please? 589 00:34:08,023 --> 00:34:09,291 Yes, Edwin, can you deal with this? 590 00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,160 It wasn't intended for personal use. 591 00:34:12,082 --> 00:34:13,316 It's just overorder. 592 00:34:13,470 --> 00:34:16,187 I've got less than four hours to make "Bivulva Burst", 593 00:34:16,357 --> 00:34:19,116 the "Crotch of John Dory" and "Proud Banana with Whipped Cream", 594 00:34:19,254 --> 00:34:22,177 and there are dildos in this parcel. I ask you, dildos. 595 00:34:22,459 --> 00:34:24,238 - I never asked for dildos. - Do you mind? 596 00:34:24,552 --> 00:34:26,181 We're trying to discuss our relationship. 597 00:34:26,329 --> 00:34:27,884 - We being? - Me and Lucy. 598 00:34:28,230 --> 00:34:29,243 And Laura. 599 00:34:29,801 --> 00:34:31,062 And how does he fit into this? 600 00:34:31,229 --> 00:34:32,661 - I'm helping! - You should be at school. 601 00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:35,669 If you wanna know what I think, you probably don't, 602 00:34:35,919 --> 00:34:38,119 I have a bit of a problem with chaps who go around 603 00:34:38,272 --> 00:34:39,940 pinching other chaps' girlfriends. 604 00:34:40,868 --> 00:34:43,325 And why is it, I merely ask this as a question, 605 00:34:43,464 --> 00:34:45,411 why is it that while you girls are discussing your relationships 606 00:34:45,556 --> 00:34:47,355 with this fink, Rory's left out of it? 607 00:34:48,085 --> 00:34:49,901 There's nothing to do with me, of course, I'm just his father. 608 00:34:50,050 --> 00:34:52,157 - And his father. - Are you my father? 609 00:34:53,156 --> 00:34:54,255 - Hello? - Paul. 610 00:34:54,418 --> 00:34:55,440 Surinder, hi. 611 00:34:55,888 --> 00:34:57,032 As far as I can make out, 612 00:34:57,198 --> 00:35:00,814 dreptomycil was only Phase 1 tested in the US on mental patients 613 00:35:00,989 --> 00:35:02,342 and death row prisoners. 614 00:35:03,093 --> 00:35:04,531 Anyway, the results are... 615 00:35:05,435 --> 00:35:06,603 ...interesting. 616 00:35:09,184 --> 00:35:10,956 Bloody hell, Surinder. 617 00:35:11,415 --> 00:35:13,160 Look, I... hold on a second. 618 00:35:13,304 --> 00:35:15,653 Out, out! Out, you lot. Come on! 619 00:35:15,888 --> 00:35:17,458 And take this stuff with you. 620 00:35:20,127 --> 00:35:22,396 I'm gonna look into this, I'll call you later, all right? 621 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,181 I do not want you here while I make "Toffee Thong". 622 00:36:12,426 --> 00:36:14,671 - Is that "Toffee Thong"? - No, it's "Proud Banana". 623 00:36:14,974 --> 00:36:16,869 I think you suffer from crisis of confidence, father. 624 00:36:16,997 --> 00:36:18,705 - Will you please leave? - Yes. 625 00:36:27,044 --> 00:36:27,864 Hello, this... 626 00:36:29,392 --> 00:36:30,847 Mr. Proek! 627 00:36:31,937 --> 00:36:34,152 No, this is very good time. 628 00:36:34,345 --> 00:36:38,957 Yes, I'm just waiting for my connection to... wherever it is I'm going. 629 00:36:41,623 --> 00:36:43,343 Oh, not in the street! 630 00:36:45,468 --> 00:36:49,393 Mr. Proek, I'm sorry, but there are some yobos outside. 631 00:36:49,525 --> 00:36:50,947 Excuse me just a moment. 632 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:52,706 Not in the street! 633 00:36:58,248 --> 00:37:00,251 No, no, no! Look, I have neighbours! 634 00:37:01,128 --> 00:37:03,908 This is a neighbourhood! The neighbourhood watches! 635 00:37:04,982 --> 00:37:07,570 Yes, Mr. Proek, this is dr. Christian den Haag. 636 00:37:07,761 --> 00:37:10,652 Look, I want these women deflated right now! 637 00:37:11,333 --> 00:37:14,359 So tell me, Mr. Proek, how is the abcess 638 00:37:14,550 --> 00:37:16,088 adjacent to your anus? 639 00:37:16,632 --> 00:37:19,151 It's still very painful, dr. den Haag. 640 00:37:20,354 --> 00:37:22,382 Well, where are you now, Mr. Proek? 641 00:37:22,516 --> 00:37:24,464 You sound as if you were walking, and a man in your condition 642 00:37:24,603 --> 00:37:26,173 should remain very, very still. 643 00:37:26,529 --> 00:37:28,452 I am... I am in... 644 00:37:28,995 --> 00:37:30,210 Wimbledon! 645 00:37:31,337 --> 00:37:33,836 Oh, and why do you go there, Mr. Proek? 646 00:37:34,032 --> 00:37:35,240 It's for the tennis? 647 00:37:35,496 --> 00:37:37,898 I'm actually on the way to confront my daughter's boyfriend. 648 00:37:38,021 --> 00:37:39,990 I'm going to beat him and his father to a pulp! 649 00:37:40,650 --> 00:37:43,270 The father has no moral code! 650 00:37:45,996 --> 00:37:49,664 That's very serious. And where are you now exactly? 651 00:37:49,942 --> 00:37:51,741 I am on the street where they live. 652 00:37:52,604 --> 00:37:54,580 - Where? - Oh my God! 653 00:37:56,417 --> 00:38:00,212 It's him. Paul, Paul Slippery. 654 00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:04,110 With my daughters. And naked dolls! 655 00:38:04,271 --> 00:38:06,603 The shame, dr. den Haag! 656 00:38:07,326 --> 00:38:09,328 It's not the house with the mad-looking bloke outside, is it? 657 00:38:09,610 --> 00:38:10,532 Yeah. 658 00:38:10,847 --> 00:38:12,283 Why, you're going off the idea of staying? 659 00:38:13,083 --> 00:38:14,003 Maybe. 660 00:38:14,253 --> 00:38:16,947 You know, aggression is very bad for your anus. 661 00:38:17,267 --> 00:38:19,892 And... right, look, here's Rory. 662 00:38:20,142 --> 00:38:22,519 This is your chance to all really work out where you stand 663 00:38:22,647 --> 00:38:24,047 in relation to Rory. 664 00:38:24,174 --> 00:38:26,102 - Who's the guy with him? - Maybe he's for me! 665 00:38:26,746 --> 00:38:28,135 I need someone to love. 666 00:38:28,380 --> 00:38:31,149 How close are you to this man, Mr. Proek? 667 00:38:31,293 --> 00:38:33,221 I am concerned about your blood-pressure. 668 00:38:33,353 --> 00:38:35,286 Hi. What's up with him? 669 00:38:35,403 --> 00:38:37,492 He's being a Dutchman while sorting our lives out. 670 00:38:37,651 --> 00:38:39,168 Yeah, like he's the expert. 671 00:38:39,429 --> 00:38:41,187 We must all settle down with one woman! 672 00:38:41,968 --> 00:38:43,198 Try Debbie. 673 00:38:44,391 --> 00:38:45,345 Thanks. 674 00:38:45,643 --> 00:38:46,878 - Hey, Rory. - Hi. 675 00:38:47,170 --> 00:38:48,837 - Hey, Rory! - Hi. 676 00:38:49,306 --> 00:38:50,594 This is Kevin. 677 00:38:51,073 --> 00:38:52,154 Hey, Kevin. 678 00:38:52,736 --> 00:38:54,710 Mr. Proek, I have had a thought. 679 00:38:54,843 --> 00:38:57,426 Did you say Paul Slippery? 680 00:38:58,986 --> 00:39:02,123 And is he by any chance waving his leg around 681 00:39:02,297 --> 00:39:04,049 in a stupid fashion? 682 00:39:04,443 --> 00:39:05,610 How did you guess? 683 00:39:05,849 --> 00:39:07,452 Well, I know the man! 684 00:39:07,697 --> 00:39:11,120 Yes, he is notorious as a leg shaker. 685 00:39:11,430 --> 00:39:14,078 He's known all over South London for his cowardice, 686 00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:15,542 he's not worth fighting. 687 00:39:15,739 --> 00:39:17,906 I expect Mr. Proek that he has seen you now 688 00:39:18,057 --> 00:39:20,515 and he's very probably backing away. 689 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:22,347 It is almost like you can see him, too! 690 00:39:22,464 --> 00:39:23,747 How did you know? 691 00:39:23,918 --> 00:39:26,852 Because it's absolutely typical behaviour. 692 00:39:27,171 --> 00:39:29,886 But I must tell you to treat this man with respect 693 00:39:30,084 --> 00:39:32,092 and sensitivity because, you know, 694 00:39:32,236 --> 00:39:34,277 he is the world expert on your condition. 695 00:39:34,463 --> 00:39:36,972 Loathsome, yes, but fabulous doctor. 696 00:39:37,195 --> 00:39:39,672 He's the king of anal access. Just from one glance 697 00:39:39,858 --> 00:39:43,070 he will be able to provide you with an accurate diagnosis. 698 00:39:43,310 --> 00:39:46,047 Well, I'm at Schiphol Airport and I just heard the bing-bong 699 00:39:46,201 --> 00:39:47,495 for my flight to Johannesburg. 700 00:39:47,628 --> 00:39:50,775 Goodbye and remember, make a friend of dr. Slippery, 701 00:39:50,913 --> 00:39:53,049 and all your bottom problems will be over. 702 00:39:53,625 --> 00:39:54,809 Proek alert. 703 00:39:56,969 --> 00:39:59,445 - Right, you little twerp! - Hello there, old man! 704 00:39:59,578 --> 00:40:01,134 Daniel Slippery. 705 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:03,700 The only women you can deal with are those you have to blow up 706 00:40:03,812 --> 00:40:04,743 with a bycicle pump. 707 00:40:04,865 --> 00:40:05,898 Hello, daddy. 708 00:40:06,010 --> 00:40:08,215 Hello, Lucy. Have no fear, daddy's here. 709 00:40:08,444 --> 00:40:11,538 How did you manage to get yourself involved with a rat like this? 710 00:40:11,740 --> 00:40:13,337 It's complicated. 711 00:40:13,539 --> 00:40:16,171 I tried so hard to keep you away from sex, Lucy, 712 00:40:16,304 --> 00:40:17,342 and now look at you! 713 00:40:17,454 --> 00:40:18,742 Look Norman, can I just say, I think... 714 00:40:19,413 --> 00:40:21,127 I completely understand how you feel, I mean... 715 00:40:21,234 --> 00:40:23,118 We all feel a little bit confused. 716 00:40:23,273 --> 00:40:25,924 I mean I'm very confused, Kevin's incredibly confused. 717 00:40:26,281 --> 00:40:27,608 He's homeless, for God's sakes! 718 00:40:28,107 --> 00:40:29,146 I am. 719 00:40:29,344 --> 00:40:31,111 You're all at it, aren't you? All the time. 720 00:40:31,356 --> 00:40:33,022 I don't know what to say to any of you. 721 00:40:33,145 --> 00:40:35,451 I'm distraught, I'm very distraught, 722 00:40:35,632 --> 00:40:37,879 - and a bit sad... - Look, daddy... 723 00:40:38,027 --> 00:40:40,013 ...but mainly what I feel is angry! 724 00:40:40,253 --> 00:40:42,686 Two fists, one for each daughter! 725 00:40:43,458 --> 00:40:46,005 Mr. Proek, I'm so glad to see you! 726 00:40:47,905 --> 00:40:49,033 Good Lord. 727 00:40:50,445 --> 00:40:52,915 Mr. Proek, would you mind just taking a couple of steps? 728 00:40:57,015 --> 00:41:00,429 Mr. Proek, I think you and I ought to have a conversation in private. 729 00:41:01,205 --> 00:41:02,459 Of course. 730 00:41:05,263 --> 00:41:06,871 You were Macbeth. 731 00:41:08,691 --> 00:41:10,118 You were really good. 732 00:41:18,412 --> 00:41:20,836 Mr. Proek, I hope you don't mind me asking you, 733 00:41:21,053 --> 00:41:23,482 but are you afflicted at the present time with 734 00:41:23,785 --> 00:41:24,967 an intimate problem? 735 00:41:25,218 --> 00:41:26,347 How did you know? 736 00:41:26,463 --> 00:41:28,077 It's my business to know these things, Mr. Proek. 737 00:41:28,294 --> 00:41:30,233 And if I were to say to you that your problem is in an area 738 00:41:30,373 --> 00:41:33,093 that is, let's say, the opposite of top, 739 00:41:33,535 --> 00:41:34,759 what would you say? 740 00:41:34,972 --> 00:41:37,416 I would say you are very remarkable man, doctor. 741 00:41:37,597 --> 00:41:39,110 I've been doing some research on this. 742 00:41:39,296 --> 00:41:42,096 It seems that dr. Pilfrey's miraculous dreptomycil 743 00:41:42,327 --> 00:41:43,881 has been banned in the USA. 744 00:41:44,131 --> 00:41:47,815 It contains elements of niaflorizenithal, a substance which, and I quote, 745 00:41:48,177 --> 00:41:51,037 "can irritate the area around body openings, 746 00:41:51,372 --> 00:41:54,222 in a way that may lead to information hypertrophy and spasms, 747 00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:56,564 that can be..." Blah, blah, blah. 748 00:41:57,028 --> 00:41:59,503 Can be what? 749 00:42:00,675 --> 00:42:01,953 Fatal. 750 00:42:02,442 --> 00:42:03,540 Oh my God. 751 00:42:03,678 --> 00:42:05,313 No, no, it's a legal thing. They have to say that. 752 00:42:05,445 --> 00:42:07,000 Do you mean I could die? 753 00:42:07,230 --> 00:42:08,501 Technically, yes. 754 00:42:08,620 --> 00:42:10,605 But you know, you could die from an excess of whipped cream. 755 00:42:10,888 --> 00:42:12,480 As a matter of fact, that's what I plan to do tonight. 756 00:42:12,618 --> 00:42:14,184 It's called "Proud Banana". 757 00:42:14,498 --> 00:42:15,994 Come to think of it, why don't you stay for dinner? 758 00:42:16,169 --> 00:42:18,661 No, thank you. My wife is expecting me. 759 00:42:18,848 --> 00:42:20,627 Give her a call. Tell her to come over. 760 00:42:22,581 --> 00:42:24,327 "Proud Banana", eh? 761 00:42:25,439 --> 00:42:27,457 It's from the "Big Book of Erotic Food". 762 00:42:31,097 --> 00:42:32,295 Nice try. 763 00:42:33,130 --> 00:42:34,595 Oh, I try. 764 00:42:36,940 --> 00:42:38,106 Surinder? 765 00:42:38,516 --> 00:42:39,404 Do you have minute? 766 00:42:41,988 --> 00:42:44,494 I think that Paul might have seen one of my patients 767 00:42:44,636 --> 00:42:46,170 as I wasn't in the surgery. 768 00:42:46,404 --> 00:42:47,704 A Mr. Proek. 769 00:42:47,917 --> 00:42:51,244 Yes, you were prescribing him something called dreptomycil. 770 00:42:51,574 --> 00:42:54,460 We've just found out some rather negative stuff about it. 771 00:42:55,967 --> 00:42:58,746 I know. Me too. 772 00:43:00,643 --> 00:43:02,231 Just heard about it. 773 00:43:02,512 --> 00:43:05,281 Some Dutch doctor rang me up, God knows how he got my number, 774 00:43:05,398 --> 00:43:06,830 claimed to be a world expert. 775 00:43:07,215 --> 00:43:09,642 I was devastated, devastated. 776 00:43:09,903 --> 00:43:12,364 So you didn't know it was the drug causing 777 00:43:12,481 --> 00:43:14,063 Mr. Proek's side effects. 778 00:43:14,174 --> 00:43:16,288 Surinder, if I'd known that I would've looked into it. 779 00:43:16,544 --> 00:43:19,254 He was complaining about side effects, he did have symptoms. 780 00:43:21,394 --> 00:43:23,092 Side effects are symptoms? 781 00:43:23,757 --> 00:43:26,361 People come in here all the time and they go on and on 782 00:43:26,515 --> 00:43:28,512 about side effect and symptoms. 783 00:43:29,019 --> 00:43:30,601 Pain here, pain there. 784 00:43:30,925 --> 00:43:32,879 Most of it, as you and I know Surinder, 785 00:43:33,108 --> 00:43:35,424 has very little relation to reality. 786 00:43:36,441 --> 00:43:38,703 There are more important things in life, aren't there? 787 00:43:39,294 --> 00:43:41,999 Dr. den Haag rang me, too. 788 00:43:42,145 --> 00:43:44,999 Apparently in Germany they tried it on hamsters. 789 00:43:45,227 --> 00:43:46,782 They died within minutes. 790 00:43:48,587 --> 00:43:51,457 As God is my witness, I never gave it to a single hamster. 791 00:43:52,332 --> 00:43:54,034 Right, you know... 792 00:43:55,515 --> 00:43:59,344 We don't have to resolve the situation in a clear-cut way. 793 00:44:00,467 --> 00:44:01,736 We could be flexible about it. 794 00:44:02,011 --> 00:44:03,699 How do you mean, flexible? 795 00:44:04,849 --> 00:44:07,363 I think he means by going out with the both of you. 796 00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:09,418 Right! 797 00:44:10,030 --> 00:44:12,527 Cause flexible also means you can stick your head up your arse! 798 00:44:14,924 --> 00:44:16,899 Chloe would never say anything like that to you. 799 00:44:17,149 --> 00:44:18,677 I don't want an inflatable girlfriend... 800 00:44:18,815 --> 00:44:21,031 So, what is going to happen to them all? 801 00:44:21,893 --> 00:44:24,028 I have no idea, Mr. Proek. 802 00:44:24,338 --> 00:44:25,567 Call me Norman. 803 00:44:26,073 --> 00:44:27,207 All right. 804 00:44:38,492 --> 00:44:39,615 What's this? 805 00:44:40,931 --> 00:44:44,327 This is an intimate dinner for two. 806 00:44:45,227 --> 00:44:46,649 - Hey, mom! - Hey! 807 00:45:11,924 --> 00:45:15,620 - That's rude! - I think that's the point. 808 00:45:23,548 --> 00:45:25,630 Strange... isn't it? 809 00:45:28,351 --> 00:45:31,780 Really, really strange. 810 00:45:48,452 --> 00:45:49,580 Did you like the oysters? 811 00:45:51,188 --> 00:45:52,471 Yeah, very nice. 812 00:45:53,329 --> 00:45:55,123 What about the rest of it? 813 00:45:56,295 --> 00:45:59,804 Erotic. Very erotic. 814 00:46:03,585 --> 00:46:05,208 Do you want some more "Proud Banana"? 815 00:46:05,528 --> 00:46:06,955 It's probably wilted a bit. 816 00:46:08,041 --> 00:46:10,266 I'm sorry if I lost you that fat contract. 817 00:46:10,453 --> 00:46:11,763 God no, that doesn't matter, 818 00:46:11,992 --> 00:46:14,718 I'm just sorry you still got to work with that dick Pilfrey. 819 00:46:15,980 --> 00:46:19,334 Well, at least Norman and I are firm friends. 820 00:46:19,643 --> 00:46:22,807 Now that I've sorted out his bottom, he's eating out of my hand. 821 00:46:23,056 --> 00:46:24,249 If you take my meaning. 822 00:46:24,382 --> 00:46:26,337 And he let both girls stay the night here. 823 00:46:26,512 --> 00:46:28,834 And which one is sleeping with Daniel? 824 00:46:28,994 --> 00:46:32,071 Neither of them, although I think he was hoping for a threesome. 825 00:46:32,284 --> 00:46:34,930 Serves the little bastard right. 826 00:46:36,837 --> 00:46:38,130 So... 827 00:46:39,238 --> 00:46:40,505 How do you feel? 828 00:46:42,752 --> 00:46:44,365 Erotic. 829 00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:47,560 I feel erotic too. 830 00:46:49,035 --> 00:46:52,155 And since we already established I can do things twice your speed, 831 00:46:52,389 --> 00:46:55,436 I'm going to go behind that screen and re-emerge in a sexy nightie 832 00:46:55,595 --> 00:46:58,321 in a time that takes for you to snap your fingers. 833 00:47:00,907 --> 00:47:03,361 Did you just say sexy nightie? 834 00:47:03,665 --> 00:47:05,146 I did and with pride. 835 00:47:06,178 --> 00:47:08,814 There haven't been sexy nighties since 1974. 836 00:47:08,958 --> 00:47:09,926 Yep. 837 00:47:10,071 --> 00:47:12,680 Well, one survived and I own it. It's probably worth a fortune. 838 00:47:14,339 --> 00:47:15,597 I love you. 839 00:47:15,767 --> 00:47:17,795 Not as much as you will in a minute.